The Boogens

(1981) **

In a town of eight or so people in Silver City, Colorado, the opening of a seventy-year-old silver mine unleashes a posse of ridiculous monsters on the basement of a nearby house. What can I say? This movie has everything:

Annoying poodle? Check.

A guy who talks about how much he's gonna have sex with his girlfriend? Check.

Old Man of Warning? Check. However, he's an extremely unambitious one, who merely stalks the main characters saying nothing until the last 20 minutes, leaving one act of petty vandalism as a "warning." (Hey old man, a single 2x4 with the word "death" on it is about as weak as it gets. You're out of the union.)

Obligatory nipple shot? Check, although seriously obligatory. The butt shots are better.

Front door that suddenly won't open for no apparent reason? Check.

Lots of scenes in an overdark basement, containing exactly one water heater, one visually confusing array of cardboard boxes for hiding annoying poodles and dead bodies, and one monster tunnel? Check.

Padding? Check.

More padding? Check.

Would you like some more padding? No? Here's some anyway. Check.

Some kind of monster bestowed with the magical power of being offscreen, so its rubber tentacles can pull people up into the rafters, or under a truck, or knock them across the room with surprising force, and what the hell is this thing, anyway? Do I need to mention you hardly ever see it? Check.

Guy who gets real close while prodding a "dead" monster? Check.

Guy who engages in long conversation while standing waist deep in a subterranean pool in which a corpse was just found? Check.

Monstercam? Check.

Girl in towel uselessly throwing objects at monstercam? Check.

Heh heh heh. Whatever I do manage to pull off this month, my Horrorthon's off to a perfect start.