To no one's surprise, Jonah Hex apparently sucks

From moviesonline, In a summer full of remakes and adaptations, you won’t find a film less original than Jonah Hex. Based on the DC comic series of the same name, Jonah Hex is 80 minutes of clichés pasted together into one agonizingly predictable plot.

The eponymous Hex was a soldier in the Confederate army until his regiment was captured and Hex made an unspecified decision that resulted in the death of all his men. Among them was his friend, Jed Turnbull. After the war Jed’s father, Quentin Turnbull, seeking revenge murdered Jonah’s family, branded his face, and left him crucified to die. Rescued and brought back from the brink of death by mystical Indian magic (twice), Hex turns to bounty hunting, convinced that Quentin died in a fire, and cursed with the unnatural ability to speak with corpses. But when the senior Turnbull reappears with a 19th century weapon of mass destruction and dark designs for the Union, Jonah Hex will finally have his turn at revenge.

Josh Brolin plays the title character and easily turns out the best performance of the film. Brolin lends Hex a quiet hateful weariness with the world, which is precisely what the character needs. John Malkovich plays Quentin Turnbull and nearly chokes on his haggard attempt at a southern accent. Will Arnett makes a brief appearance as an irksome Lieutenant to demonstrate Jonah’s irreverence towards authority figures. And Megan Fox plays Lilah, the hooker with a heart of gold, balls of steel, and a Derringer between her tits.

Adapted (loosely) by writing team Neveldine and Taylor (Gamer, Crank), the duo seems determined to create the most mediocre movie of all time. This is a movie written via mad-lib: sliding the comic’s characters into the plot of every single western action movie. Megan Fox’s only purpose in this movie is to get kidnapped in order to lure Jonah to the place where he was already going. He didn’t even know she’d been kidnapped until he got there.

Jonah Hex is the embodiment of everything that critics hate about the summer movie season. A-list actors give embarrassing performances while tightrope walking across gaping plot holes as boobs and explosions punctuate each formulaic turn of the story. In short, Jonah Hex is sure to make boatloads of cash, validating the studios’ enduring contempt for the movie going public.